These phone, camera and computer chargers have joined old keys as things we can no longer throw away for fear that the moment we do so, we’ll discover a need to use them.
And speaking of phones, why is he always there, with the i Phone or Black Berry surgically attached to his hand, constantly tapping the screen with the excuse that ‘something important from work’ might have just landed in the inbox.
But he always leaves them on the side, or marginally better, he puts some tepid water in them ‘to soak’, thus divesting him of all responsibility of actually dealing with the burnt-on food that’s clinging to them like Araldite.
Guests coo over his fancy ways with a flavoured oil, but the boring rehashing, reheating and pureeing always gets left to me.
But few would go so far as the heroine of a new novel, The Pile Of Stuff At The Bottom Of The Stairs, who creates a computer spreadsheet every day which charts all her husband’s most irritating quirks.‘Ooh no, I’m full. Always leaving some awful pop music station on top volume in the car when she was the last one to drive it So that when you get in on a cold morning to go to work, and switch the radio on expecting to hear the mellifluous mutterings of the Today programme, it instead blasts into shrieking life with some frightful oik bellowing rage into a voice-distorter over the sound of a huge drum kit being kicked down a hill by donkeys. Making a huge fuss about how important it is that women players get the same Wimbledon prize money as male players But then, when the tournament starts, she’s only interested in watching the men, because they’re sexy and the tennis is exciting, and doesn’t watch even a second of the ladies, because it’s boring and they grunt too much.
I couldn’t possibly eat any pudding, I’m stuffed,’ she says. ‘Well, maybe just a spoonful,’ she says, reaching for my cutlery. Chess or cribbage or tennis or croquet or absolutely anything — it happens the moment they go slightly behind and no longer look like winning.
They are taking care of long pulsating penises and playing with balls filled with a lot of man juice, which is their favorite drink.
We all try to do our bit for the environment, but there seems to be some disagreement about what ‘bits’ to do.
Yes, he’s right that cut flowers flown from Kenya are an eco-disgrace — but they are rather lovely.
Then are the drawers full of old cables that look like nests of vipers.
Some of them are for his first Nokia, bought circa 1995.